A dark past, a bright future
- Jasmina Znidarec
- Nov 21, 2017
- 3 min read
A dark past
I was always induced to think that my thoughts, my feelings, my knowledge were so precious that nobody should know about them. They were my secret not to be revealed, disguised just by vain talks. Nobody knew nothing about me, my only words were the fake conversations with people, nothing real or true, just fear. No empathy with my colleagues, my managers, my friends, my partners, my mates and family. I was a stranger in my job, at university, at home. Isolated and inscrutable.
A dark past caused by an unstable family situation was a matter of suffering for me… growing up unstable made me develop weird ideas. It’s quite normal, it’s what happens to many of us. Well I had this crazy ideology in my 20’s. I will go to university. I was already a single mother of a three year old child. I will do this sacrifice not for me but for my family and society. Apparently in a restrict countryside mentality university is the only way to succeed and create a life. It’s a must. I actually wasn't aware there were other options.
I promised myself that I will not LIVE until I won’t get the degree. This meant that I will not look what is around me and who is around me. I won’t talk, I won’t share, I will be mute and I will accept any event as it comes without affecting me. Being hungry, feeling cold or dirty, being offended or annoyed won’t affect me because anyway those five years of life one day will be as they have never existed. I will pretend they had never existed. And in this way I got the degree, with honors in all exams.
I was so wrong. You just can't pretend something doesn't exist and erase the past in a go. Well you will agree with me that I was quite idiot. I missed my best years of life, I missed the pleasure of enjoying small things. I missed the miracle of living and sharing my feelings with human beings. I put effort in something I didn’t at all care, I betrayed myself and killed my being.
A bright future
So it’s really true what people say, with pain comes strength!
Well something bright happened after that. I planned a trip. The trip would be my prize for the five years of sacrifice. This trip was the expression of myself and of the way life should be according to my values. It was the gap of time where I could finally really exist and BE. And to exist and be I basically needed a bicycle and a destination. This was Rome. Trieste-Rome by bicycle. A route I had done plenty of times by car when me and my daughter lived in Rome and where I studied. I had travelled up and down for Christmas, Easter and summer holidays mostly by car sometimes by train or bus. My last voyage had to be an epic one, so that I could close with meaning my years of studies. My graduation ceremony.
Cycling through Italy revealed to be the best thing I had ever done in my life. I understood it was worth living. Not for completing meaningless future plans (degree, job, house, family) but exploring oneself, accepting and valuing oneself doing WHAT I REALLY WANTED TO DO.
The trip opened my mind and I realised that I wanted to feel accomplished, satisfied and happy every day of my life. To achieve these powerful feelings I had to be sincere, to know what I really want, be myself all the time and in any situation, share my skills and abilities, my thoughts, my values.
I discovered I could shape my life according to my values and beliefs and enjoy every second of it despite the situation I was in, the obstacles I had in front of me and the targets I had still to achieve.
I am soil, I am fire, I am water. I am brave. I am wisdom. This is my policy:
If you have yourself, you've got everything in life.
I am in bed, I was injured while working and have spare time to write. What a great opportunity to finally write. Something I have always thought to do but never knew how to start and what to say. Whenever I tried, the paper remained blank. Now eventually I got courage and here is my story and my thoughts. What a great achievement.
WELCOME TO MY WORLD.
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